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It All Makes Sense Now
Quotes from women about being a woman
Woman Power
Just Between us girls
Manogram Cartoon
Martha's way or My way?
Aging Gracefully Barbie
Men, everything you wanted to know ....
We change

 
It all makes sense now!

I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist.............
and when we have real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.

Click here to purchase a t-shirt proclaiming: Forty, damn I look good!

 

 

Click her to buy a risque t-shirt that dares the viewer with the slogan: I'm 50 & I feel great, feel for yourself!

     Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?



Quotes from women, about being a woman!
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.  Helen Hayes (at 73)
There is no more creative force in the world than the menopausal woman with zest.   Margaret Mead
One is not born a woman, one becomes one.   Simone DeBeauvoir
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.  Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.  Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.  Carrie Snow
Old age ain't no place for sissies.  Bette Davis
I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep his house.    Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.   Catherine Aird
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he can't.  Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.  Jane Sellman
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.  Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.   Caryn Leschen
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.  Jan King
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.  Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.  Erica Jong
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.  Sue Grafton
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.  Laurie Kuslansky
I think - therefore I'm single.  Lizz Winstead
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.  Roseanne Barr
My second favorite household chore is ironing; my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. 
rma Bombeck
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.   Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.  Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.   Gloria Steinem
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.  Marie Corelli
The heyday of woman's life is the shady side of fifty. -- Elizabeth Cady Stanton
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?  Linda Ellerbee
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.  Eleanor Roosevelt
I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it's all a little lbit lower -- Gypsy Rose Lee
A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner -- Tallulah Bankhead
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. -- Erma Bombeck
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. -- Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry.  -- Sally Forth
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!"  -- Linda Ellerbee
Behind every successful woman is a cleaner and a nanny. -- Unknown
A woman's rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -- Unknown

Women power!  A joke story about letting menopausal women loose in Afghanistan to take care of terrorism.

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.  Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! :) :)

 

Just between us girls! Just between us girls!  A joke story about women and mammograms.

If women controlled medicine!  A cartoon illustration depicting a mammogram type machine for men, called a manogram!


This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt!
I'd like to get his balls in there
And listen to him shout !!!

~~Author unknown~~

For years and years they told me,
" Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.

After 40 years of careful care
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my breast in line.
" And tell me when it hurts," she said
" Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
My poor breast was being squashed
To Swedish Pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit."

Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breath and weary I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say,
as the room was swaying.
" Now let's get the other one".
" Lord have mercy," I was praying.

I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped by now.

 

Whose way is correct, "Martha's way" or "My way"?

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up anyway.

Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My Way: Buy Instant Mashed Potatoes.  They'll keep it in the pantry for well over a year.


Martha's Way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My Way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.


Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.


Martha's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.
My Way: If you over-salt a dish that's too bad. My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it tastes!


Martha's Way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My Way: Eat, cook or use the egg.  If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.


Martha's Way: To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye and then the problem isn't the headache anymore -- it's that you are now blind.


Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My Way: What leftover wine?


Martha's Way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potatoes on the stains and rinse with water.
My Way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.


Martha's Way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?



Aging Gracefully Barbie ~ Finally, a Barbie we can relate to!   Aging gracefully Barbie - finally, a Barbie we can relate to!

Bifocal Barbie -
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie -
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie -
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie -
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too -- muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
Bunion Barbie -
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie -
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie -
All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Ashley and Ken, Jr.  Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie -
It's time to ditch Ken.Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Divorced Barbie  -
Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Recovery Barbie -
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Post-Menopausal Barbie -
This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
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Men! Everything you wanted to know about being a good mate!    Men! Everything you wanted to know about being a good mate, joke.


In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes  and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something  she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.  Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed...................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows............0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom...... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...........+5
At midnight........................................+8
In the snow.......................................+12
But return with beer...............................-5
An hour later.....................................-15
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something......+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................+10
It's her pet......................................-10

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party...............0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.........-2
Named Tiffany......................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer ................................-6
Tiffany has implants...............................-8

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner.................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team............-10

A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal..................................-5
The pal is not happily married.........................-4
Or frighteningly single............................-7
And he drives a Mustang...........................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).....-15

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie............................+2
You take her to a movie she likes ..................+4
You take her to a movie you hate...................+6
You take her to a movie you like...................-2
It's called Death Cop 3.............................-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ............-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15

Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly.................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it........+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...............-30
You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too".............-800

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?".
You hesitate in responding............................-10
You reply, "Where?"...................................-35
Any other response................................-20

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression........0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.......+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV......+100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..................-200                   


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We change!


When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less.
 
I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free:
there's comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now, but used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose - they're sized by weight, you see.
So how come when I put them on, the crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses as the prints were getting smaller;
and it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver and my skin no longer fits,
on the inside, I'm the same old me, just the outside's changed a bit.

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