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Quotes from women, about being a woman! |
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The hardest years in life are
those between ten and seventy. Helen Hayes (at 73) |
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There is no more creative force in
the world than the menopausal woman with zest. Margaret Mead |
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One is not born a woman, one
becomes one. Simone DeBeauvoir |
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I refuse to think of them as chin
hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. Janette Barber |
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Things are going to get a lot
worse before they get worse. Lily Tomlin |
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A male gynecologist is like an
auto mechanic who never owned a car. Carrie Snow |
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Old age ain't no place for
sissies. Bette Davis |
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I am a marvelous
housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa
Gabor |
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If you can't be a good example,
then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine Aird |
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A man's got to do what a man's got
to do. A woman must do what he can't. Rhonda Hansome |
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The phrase "working
mother" is redundant. Jane Sellman |
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Whatever women must do they must
do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton |
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Thirty-five is when you finally
get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen |
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Whoever thought up the word
"Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an
envelope and send it to someone. Jan King |
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I'm not offended by all the dumb
blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton |
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You see a lot of smart guys with
dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong |
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If high heels were so wonderful,
men would still be wearing them. Sue Grafton |
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Laugh and the world laughs with
you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. Laurie Kuslansky |
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I think - therefore I'm
single. Lizz Winstead |
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I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears
makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr |
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My second favorite household chore
is ironing; my first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. |
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rma Bombeck |
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When women are depressed they
either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. Elayne Boosler |
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Behind every successful man is a
surprised woman. Maryon Pearson |
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In politics, if you want anything
said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher |
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I have yet to hear a man ask for
advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem |
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I never married because there was
no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home
late every night. Marie Corelli |
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The heyday of woman's life is the
shady side of fifty. -- Elizabeth Cady Stanton |
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If men can run the world, why
can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose
around your neck? Linda Ellerbee |
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Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your permission. Eleanor Roosevelt |
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I have everything I had twenty
years ago, only it's all a little lbit lower -- Gypsy Rose Lee |
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A woman never forgets her age once
she decides what it is. |
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If I had to live my life again,
I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner -- Tallulah Bankhead |
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The only reason I would take up
jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. -- Erma Bombeck |
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Behind every successful woman...is
a substantial amount of coffee. -- Stephanie Piro |
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Behind every successful
woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry. -- Sally Forth |
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A few weeks after my surgery, I
went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my
prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road
yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -- Linda Ellerbee |
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Behind every
successful woman is
a cleaner and a nanny. -- Unknown |
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A woman's rule of thumb: if it has
tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -- Unknown |
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Take all American women who are within five
years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades,
gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us
(parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes
naturally. Think about it. Our
anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying
bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly
suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands,
if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding
a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.
We have nothing to lose. We've survived the
water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and
saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile
terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands
or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave
will be no problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal Between us, we've
divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover
up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to
seize it ... with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women.
Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken
terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too! :) :)
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| Just between
us girls!  |
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt!
I'd like to get his balls in there
And listen to him shout !!!
~~Author unknown~~ |
For years and
years they told me,
" Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.
After 40 years of careful care
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very
close," she said,
as she got my breast in line.
" And tell me when it hurts," she said
" Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vise! |
My skin was
stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
My poor breast was being squashed
To Swedish Pancake thin!
Excruciating pain I felt,
within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit."
Take a deep breath," she
said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breath and weary I am getting.
"There, that was
good," I heard her say,
as the room was swaying.
" Now let's get the other one".
" Lord have mercy," I was praying.
I had no problem when I came
in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped by now. |
| Whose way is correct, "Martha's
way" or
"My way"? |
Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
My Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the
bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up
anyway.
Martha's Way: To keep
potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My Way: Buy Instant Mashed Potatoes.
They'll keep it in the pantry for well over a year.
Martha's Way: Spray
your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and
there won't be any stains.
My Way: Feed your garbage disposal and there
won't be any leftovers.
Martha's Way: When a
cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and
there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even
decorate it for you.
Martha's Way: If you
accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt.
My Way: If you over-salt a dish that's too
bad. My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it tastes!
Martha's Way: To
determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool salted water. If it sinks,
it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My Way: Eat, cook or use the egg. If
you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's Way: To cure
a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go
away.
My Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this
works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your
eye and then the problem isn't the headache anymore -- it's that you are now blind.
Martha's Way: Don't
throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.
My Way: What leftover wine?
Martha's Way: Potatoes
will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potatoes on the stains and
rinse with water.
My Way: Mashed potatoes will now be
replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's Way: Place a
slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?
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Aging Gracefully Barbie ~
Finally, a Barbie we can relate to!
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Bifocal Barbie -- Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue
and Martha Stewart Living.
- Hot Flash Barbie
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- Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face
turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with
hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
- Facial Hair Barbie
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- As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
- Flabby Arms Barbie
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- Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too -- muumuus with tummy-support
panels are included.
- Bunion Barbie -
- Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
- No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
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- Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting
cosmetics.
- Soccer Mom Barbie
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- All that experience as a cheer-leader is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Ashley and
Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with
doughnut holes and fruit punch.
- Mid-life Crisis Barbie
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- It's time to ditch Ken.Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.
They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.
Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
- Divorced Barbie -
- Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house,
Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
- Recovery Barbie -
- Too many parties have finally caught up with
the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and
sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a
six-pack of Diet Coke.
- Post-Menopausal Barbie -
- This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on
the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and
Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your
Inner Self" is included.
- Return to List
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Men! Everything you wanted to know about being
a good mate!
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In the world of romance, one
single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get
points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed...................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows............0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom...... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...........+5
At midnight........................................+8
In the snow.......................................+12
But return with beer...............................-5
An hour later.....................................-15
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something......+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................+10
It's her pet......................................-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party...............0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy.........-2
Named Tiffany......................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer ................................-6
Tiffany has implants...............................-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner.................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night ............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team............-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal..................................-5
The pal is not happily married.........................-4
Or frighteningly single............................-7
And he drives a Mustang...........................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED).....-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie............................+2
You take her to a movie she likes ..................+4
You take her to a movie you hate...................+6
You take her to a movie you like...................-2
It's called Death Cop 3.............................-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ............-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15
Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly.................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it........+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...............-30
You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too".............-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?".
You hesitate in responding............................-10
You reply, "Where?"...................................-35
Any other response................................-20
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned
expression........0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.......+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV......+100
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..................-200
Return to List |
We change! |
When I was in my younger
days, I weighed a few pounds less.
I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free:
there's comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven;
I have to wear a nine now, but used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose - they're sized by weight, you see.
So how come when I put them on, the crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses as the prints were getting smaller;
and it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver and my skin no longer fits,
on the inside, I'm the same old me, just the outside's changed a bit.
Return to
List |
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