You Know You're Getting Old
When...
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Your joints are more accurate than
the National Weather Service. |
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Your investment in health
insurance is finally beginning to pay off. |
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Your back goes out more than you
do. |
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The twinkle in your eye is only
the reflection of the sun on your bifocals. |
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You feel like the morning after
when you haven't been anywhere the night before. |
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You finally got your head
together, now your body is falling apart. |
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Your supply of brain cells is
finally down to a manageable size. |
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You wake up with that
morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before. |
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You don't care where your wife
goes, just so you don't have to go along. |
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It takes twice as long to look
half as good. |
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Many of your co-workers were born
the same year that you got your last promotion. |
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People call at 9 PM and ask,
"Did I wake you?" |
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You can live without sex but not
without glasses. |
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The clothes you've put away until
they come back in style... have come back in style. |
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You look forward to a dull
evening. |
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Your mind makes contracts your
body can't keep. |
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The pharmacist has become your new
best friend. |
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There's nothing left to learn the
hard way. |
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You come to the conclusion that
your worst enemy is gravity. |
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You start video taping daytime
game shows. |
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You quit trying to hold your
stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. |
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Your idea of a night out is
sitting on the patio. |
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You look for your glasses for
half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time. |
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You wake up, looking like your
driver's license picture. |
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Happy hour is a nap. |
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You begin every other sentence
with, "Nowadays..." |
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You constantly talk about the
price of gasoline. |
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You don't remember when your wild
oats turned to shredded wheat. |
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You sing along with the elevator
music. |
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You are proud of your lawn mower. |
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You wonder how you could be over
the hill when you don't remember being on top of it. |
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Getting lucky means you find your
car in the parking lot. |
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The little gray-haired lady you
help across the street is your wife. |
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Your idea of weight lifting is
standing up. |
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Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't remember them either. |
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Your ears are hairier than your
head. |
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You have a party and the neighbors
don't even realize it. |
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It takes longer to rest than it
did to get tired. |
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You talk about "good
grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. |
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The end of your tie doesn't come
anywhere near the top of your pants. |
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You give up all your bad habits
and you still don't feel good. |
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Your childhood toys are now in a
museum. |
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You can't remember the last time
you laid on the floor to watch television. |
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You confuse having a clear
conscience with having a bad memory. |
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You frequently find yourself
telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost. |
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You know all the answers, but
nobody asks you the questions. |
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You enjoy hearing about other
people's operations. |
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You got cable for the weather
channel. Old Folks MTV! |
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Your new easy chair has more
options than your car. |
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Your little black book only
contains names ending in M.D. |
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Everything hurts and what doesn't
hurt, doesn't work. |
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You find yourself beginning to
like accordion music. |
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You have too much room in the
house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. |
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You get into a heated argument
about pension plans. |
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"Getting a little
action" means you don't need to take a laxative. |
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Conversations with people your own
age often turn into "dueling ailments." |
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You buy a compass for the dash of
your car. |
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You take a metal detector to the
beach. |
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The car that you bought brand new
becomes an antique. |
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You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of by the police. |
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You realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise. |
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You don't remember being
absentminded. |
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You have more patience; but
actually, it's just that you don't care any more. |
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Your memory is shorter and your
complaining is longer. |
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Your drugs of preference are now
vitamins. |
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You tip more and carry less. |
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You read more and remember less. |
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You get propositioned by AARP. |
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Younger women start opening doors
for you. |
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You begin to become invisible in
the dating and mating game. |
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The highway patrol sigh or shake
their heads but don't give you a ticket. |
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You scout for a warmer place to
spend the long, cold winters. |
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You are no longer 'promising'. |
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Younger men ask you for advice. |
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You work on your short game. |
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Youthful injuries return with a
vengeance. |
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Youthful indiscretions harden into
bad habits. |
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You shop for health insurance the
way you once shopped for a new car. |
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Your medical expenses go up 50%. |
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A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm. |
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You learn where your prostrate is. |
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You develop a knack for wearing
hats. |
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I have recently been diagnosed with the
"But First syndrome". You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, I
start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the
laundry.....BUT FIRST I'm going to
read the newspaper . Then, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put
the newspaper in the recycle stack.....
BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of
mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where's the
checkbook? Oop's..... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee
table. I'm going to look for that checkbook.....
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the
sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a
drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the
TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away.....
BUT FIRST I need to water those
plants.. Head for the door and..... Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat
needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants.....
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat..... End
of day; Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the
sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control.....
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled because.....
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I'm sharing this with you today because it
ended with a "double dog dare" to pass it on. To remember what a "double
dog dare" is, read on. Remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old
enough to know better and too young to care.
How many do you remember?
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Candy cigarettes |
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Wax coke-shaped
bottles with colored sugar water inside |
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Soda pop machines
that dispensed glass bottles |
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Hoola hoop
contests |
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Buying milk from a
vending machine for a quarter, with your penny change taped to the side |
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Coffee shops with
tableside juke boxes |
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Blackjack, Clove
and Teaberry chewing gum |
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Home milk delivery
in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers |
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Party lines |
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Newsreels before
the movie |
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P. F. Flyers |
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Butch wax |
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Telephone numbers
with a word prefix .... (Drexel-5505 |
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Peashooters |
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Howdy Doody |
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45 RPM Records |
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Green Stamps |
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Hi-fi's |
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Metal ice cube
trays with levers |
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Mimeograph paper |
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Blue flash bulbs |
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Beanie and Cecil |
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Roller skate keys |
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Cork pop guns |
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Drive ins |
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Studebakers |
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Wash Tub wringers |
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The Fuller Brush
man |
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Reel-to-reel tape
recorders |
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Phonographs |
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The
"twist", "mashed potatoes", and "funky-chicken" |
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Tinkertoys |
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The Erector Set |
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The Fort Apache
Playset |
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Lincoln Logs |
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15 cent McDonald
hamburgers & 10 cent fries |
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5 cent packs of
baseball cards..... with that slab of pink bubblegum |
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penny candy |
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35 cent-a-gallon
gasoline |
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When the first man
walked on the moon |
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When Elvis Presley
first appeared on the Ed Sullivan show |
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When the Beatles
arrived |
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When the Barbie
doll hit the scene |
If you can remember most or all of these,
then you have lived!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their
"grown up" life....I double dog dare ya!!!
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I Want To Go Back To The Time When.....
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Decisions were
made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" |
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Mistakes were
corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!" |
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"Race
issue" meant arguing about who rant he fastest |
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Money issues were
handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly" |
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Catching the
fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening |
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It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends |
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Being old referred
to anyone over 20 |
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The net on a
tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter |
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the worst thing
you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties" |
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It was magic when
dad would "remove" his thumb |
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It was
unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event |
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Having a weapon in
school meant being caught with a slingshot |
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Nobody was
prettier than Mom |
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Scrapes and
bruises were kissed and made better |
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It was a big deal
to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park |
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A foot of snow was
a dream come true |
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Abilities ere
discovered because of a "double-dog-dare" |
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Saturday morning
cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures |
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No shopping trip
was complete unless a new toy was brought home |
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"oly-oly-oxen-free"
made perfect sense |
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Spinning around,
getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles |
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The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team |
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War was a card
game |
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Water balloons
were the ultimate weapon |
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Baseball cards in
the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle |
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Taking drugs meant
orange-flavored chewable aspirin |
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Ice cream was
considered a basic food group |
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Older siblings
were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors |
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We
cleaned out grandma's house & found an old Royal
Crown Cola bottle.
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In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I
knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to
make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the
ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I'm getting old!
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Stroll With Me....
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Stroll with me.... close your
eyes.... and go back... before the
Internet... before bombings, aids, herpes before semiautomatics and crack... before SEGA
or Super Nintendo ... way back! I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on
the stoop...about hide-and-go-seek; Simon Says and red-light-green-light. Lunch boxes with
a thermos ... chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch,
butterscotch, skates with keys, jacks and Cracker Jacks, hula hoops and sunflower seeds,
wax lips and mustaches, Mary Jane's, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of
cities on the bottom. Remember --
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When it took five minutes for
the TV to warm up. |
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When nearly everyone's Mom was
at home when the kids arrived home from school. |
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When nobody owned a purebred
dog. |
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When a quarter was a decent
allowance. |
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When you'd reach into a muddy
gutter for a penny. |
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When your Mom wore nylons that
came in two pieces. |
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When all of your male teachers
wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done everyday and wore high heels. |
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Running through the sprinkler,
circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran &
Ollie, Spin & Marty...Dick Clark's American Bandstand ... all in black and white and
your Mom made you turn it off when a storm came. |
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When around the corner seemed
far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. |
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Climbing trees, making forts,
backyard shows, lemonade stands, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds,
jumping on the bed, pillow fights,ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie
Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath,
laughing so hard that your stomach hurt...remember that? |
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Not stepping on a crack or you'd
break your mother's back ... paper-chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and
Washington, the smells of school, of paste and Evening in Paris. |
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What about the girl who dotted
her i's with hearts? (that was before that stupid smiley face)! |
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The Stroll, popcorn balls and
sock hops? |
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Remember when there were just
two types of sneakers for girls and boys - Keds and PF Flyers, and the only time you wore
them at school was for gym. And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms. |
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When you got your windshield
cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking -- all for free -- every time! And,
you didn't pay for air either, and you got trading stamps to boot! |
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When laundry detergent had free
glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. |
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When it was considered a great
privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. |
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When the worst thing you could
do at school was flunk a test or chew gum.And the prom was in the gym or the lunchroom and
you danced to a real orchestra. |
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When they threatened to keep
kids back a grade if they failed -- and did! |
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When being sent to the
principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings,
drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we
survived because their love was so much greater than the threat. |
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Remember when a '57 Chevy was
everyone's dream car -- used to cruise, peel out, lay rubber, scratch off or watch the
submarine races? |
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When people went steady; and
girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss, or yarn coated
with pastel-frost nail polish so it would fit their finger. |
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When no one ever asked where the
car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the car and house
doors were never locked! |
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Remember lying on your back on
the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..."
And playing baseball with no adults needed to enforce the rules of the game. |
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Remember when stuff from the
store came without safety caps and hermetic seals, because no one had yet tried to poison
a perfect stranger. |
And, with all our progress, don't you just wish, that just
once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the
children of today? So
send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy
Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, The
Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk... As well as the sound
of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
bowling, visits to the pool ... and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar from the palm of
your hand. There, didn't that feel good? Just to lean back and say: "Yeah...I remember......." |
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